Yeah, I realize that I am way behind, but congrats to Italy. They won the World Cup and now everything is okay in the world. However, the real glory belongs to a magnificent Italian man? (god) named Vincenzo. Afterall, it was Vincenzo who worked tirelessly behind the scenes to bring victory to the Azzuri. It was he who cheered on his television set as Italy started off the World Cup in grand fashion, besting
the upstart Ghana team behind an Andrea Pirlo free kick (and a bad goal by some other Italian chump). It was he who shook his fist and made funny Italian gestures at the same television when approximately 1/2 of the American team almost beat the mighty? full-strength Italians. The Italian players obviously got the point, cause they went on to beat the Czech-ers and girly, wannabe Italian Paula Nedved in their final group game. The fear of facing Vincenzo's wrath as he swore in funny Italian at the television screen in his living room was too much for Del Piero and company, so they decided to win. It also helped that they weren't facing the Number 4 country in the world, which is America. (Italy was ranked in the high 20s if I remember correctly). Next, Italy faced Australia, and Vincenzo faced his TV screen. It was an epic battle. Many times, Vincenzo yelled loudly at the television, but the players refused to listen. Marco Materazzi got a red card, and it looked like Australia would beat the pretty Italian players...that is until Vincenzo got serious. He looked at the TV just as the game was about to end and said nothing. Just looked at it with an expression of utter, biting contempt. Grosso felt Vincenzo's piercing death stare, and drew a penalty off of a retarded Australian player. Totti, knowing that to miss would mean certain death, made the shot and
sucked his thumb in tribute to Vincenzo's brilliant strategy. Next was Ukraine. Ukraine sucked harder than Totti so Vincenzo watched a movie instead. It was almost certainly an American movie dubbed into Italian, because America makes the movies the whole world watches. (Ha, take that terrorists!) The game against Germany, however, saw Vincenzo at a level he had never previously dreamed of reaching. In the best game of the tournament, Vincenzo had his best performance thus far. His barrage of funny gestures and Italian speaking would not waver. It was continuous, scathing and devestating (to the German side). The Italian team sensed the powerful force (Vincenzo) willing them to victory, and were certain of victory even before Grosso struck during extra time. Del Piero scored as well, only because he lives to please Vincenzo and is a suck up. Suck ups aside, it was a virtuoso performance by the couch-ridden Italian hero. And it paved the way for the final, which Vincenzo was almost certain to win. Afterall, it was against France, and France is terrified of Vincenzo. But alas, Vincenzo came down with a cold and was not himself. He couldn't make it out of bed in time for the start of the game, and France took advantage, scoring a dubious penalty. Italy was reeling, but fortunately for them, Vincenzo finally sat down in front of the damn television just before the 20 minute mark. Italy promptly equalized and it seemed that it would be clear sailing to a World Cup title for Italy, behind it's talismanic leader. Oh, but how things changed. Vincenzo kept having to make frequent bathroom breaks because he was drinking so much water to help with the cold. That is why Italy was so disjointed in the second half of the game. Also, his wife, Erin, kept distracting him (he reluctantly
allowed her to watch the final; she hadn't been allowed to watch any games thus far) with inane questions about "which team is which?" and " why can that guy touch the ball, but the other guys can't?" Needless to say, a distracted Vincenzo is better than no Vincenzo, but not as good as a focused Vincenzo. So France threatened throughout Erin's period of dumb questions and comments, but couldn't break through Vincenzo's beautiful mind. Finally, during extra time, Vincenzo told Erin to go make him lunch and then, in his best move of the World Cup, locked the door and began to focus. He broke out his most brutal (and hilarious) Italian gesture ever and mercifully swore and mocked the french star Zinedine Zidane to his breaking point. Zidane headbutted Materazzi instead of Vincenzo, because he knew that he would no longer have a head attached to his neck if he chose to head-butt Vincenzo. (Meanwhile the media searches in vain for
something that Materazzi said. Ha!) The relief on Zidane's face as he walked off the field was that of a man with a new lease on life. He had escaped Vincenzo's death trap. But the rest of France hadn't. Vincenzo issued personal death threats to all of the players taking penalties through his, now trademark, silent stare. And as it turned out, only the Italian players (who can't help but obey) and France's David Trezeguet (the only smart French player) complied. The final tally was Italy 5-France 4, but now you know how and why that doesn't tell the whole story. If you don't believe me, why don't you
go ask the families of the the 4 French players who made their penalty? Vincenzo dares you.
